What happens when you discover the person you are? When that discovery opens your eyes? Opens them to all the things that are wrong in your relationship. To the unacceptability of your spouse's behavior, which really, has been unacceptable all along?
In a few short months I will embark on the scariest journey of my life. After years of watching the man I love fall deeper into the abyss of alcoholism minus the alcohol, I have decided that I cannot remain in an unhealthy relationship just because it's easy. It may be easier to have access to a mortgage-covering paycheck. It may be easier overlook the emotional turmoil and stress because it's not a constant. It may be easier than trying to make it on my own with two short people in tow. But is walking on eggshells worth the temporary peace? Is remaining silent about my continued unhappiness worth my sanity? Is this the example I want to set for my children? I think not.
I have tried to repair the relationship. I will continue to try, but there is a limit to the effort I am willing to expend. I am not willing to wait forever. I don't want to feel this way in five years. I don't want to feel this way next year. I have offered him every opportunity to do his part. Time is running out.
I discovered who I am, now I need to figure out what that means apart from him. Because, after all, I am worth more than what I am being given. I deserve to be loved for who I am.
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