What do I mean by alcoholism minus the alcohol?  Valid question and one that might take a little explaining, so bear with me.

My husband (we'll call him C) grew up in an alcoholic family.  His dad stopped drinking when C was in his early teens, but his mother continued to drink until an unrelated illness prevented her from ingesting anything at all.  His siblings each have struggled with alcohol.  One is active in her recovery, one stopped drinking when he saw the glimmer of a problem, while another actively drinks to excess on a regular basis.  But hubby doesn't drink much. I think he's been drunk maybe 4-5 times during our relationship.  He saw the effect alcohol had on his parents and simply decided not to go there.

But just because he decided not to drink doesn't mean he can't exhibit alcoholic behaviors.  While his drug of choice isn't alcohol, it's something even harder to combat.  It lies under the cloak of respectability and responsible actions.  It hides behind the guise of charity and generosity. But the lying, the selfishness, and irresponsible spending.  Inability to cope when disaster happens.  Even if the disaster is as minor as a leaky toilet.  Shifting blame and guilt to his family while projecting a facade of perfection to the world.  It's all there.  A perfect storm of behaviors found in alcoholics and their children.

So what is his addiction, you ask?  What could be so bad if it's associated with charity & respectability?  Let me tell you.  C is obsessed with how others see him.  His need to project that aura of perfection...perfect house, perfect family, perfect life, just perfect everything...has created an environment that is unsustainable.  People think he's wonderful...and he can be...but the choices he makes to keep the compliments coming, to create the feeling of worth that he just can't seem to find within.  Those choices are tearing us apart.

Discoveries & plans

What happens when you discover the person you are?  When that discovery opens your eyes?  Opens them to all the things that are wrong in your relationship.  To the unacceptability of your spouse's behavior, which really, has been unacceptable all along?

In a few short months I will embark on the scariest journey of my life.  After years of watching the man I love fall deeper into the abyss of alcoholism minus the alcohol, I have decided that I cannot remain in an unhealthy relationship just because it's easy.  It may be easier to have access to a mortgage-covering paycheck.  It may be easier overlook the emotional turmoil and stress because it's not a constant.  It may be easier than trying to make it on my own with two short people in tow.  But is walking on eggshells worth the temporary peace?  Is remaining silent about my continued unhappiness worth my sanity?  Is this the example I want to set for my children?  I think not.

I have tried to repair the relationship.  I will continue to try, but there is a limit to the effort I am willing to expend.  I am not willing to wait forever.  I don't want to feel this way in five years.  I don't want to feel this way next year.  I have offered him every opportunity to do his part.  Time is running out.

I discovered who I am, now I need to figure out what that means apart from him.  Because, after all, I am worth more than what I am being given.  I deserve to be loved for who I am.